Trump Will Keep Going To Sporting Events ‘Til Someone Cheers

Donald Trump is currently on a valiant quest to find someone, anyone, who will admit to liking him in public who isn’t at one of his own rallies — and hopefully in front of cameras. After all, his self-esteem meter has been depleted by the constant stream of polls showing that two-thirds of America does the sarcastic jerk-off motion whenever he says he isn’t a criminal.

It all began with the World Series. Trump tried feeding his enormous ego with Nationals fans, and was instead viciously booed by a stadium of thousands.

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You know he’s a very mature man who doesn’t let things get to him, because he showed up at a UFC event hoping to be showered with all the adoration he didn’t receive at the World Series. That didn’t turn out too well.

Now Trump will be attending an Alabama Crimson Tide college football game, in a move obviously calculated to find a stadium of people who will at least pretend to like him, if only to spite everyone who doesn’t. If this also fails, his quest will surely devolve into a grotesque montage of decreasingly prestigious sporting events. He’ll be booed out of a demolition derby. He’ll be booed at a cockfight. He’ll be booed at a dice game in front of a liquor store. He’ll be booed from a set of monkey bars as some kids play Paper, Rock, Scissors.