5 Movie Heroes Who’d Actually Just Wind Up In Jail


The Shape Of Water: “A Godlike Creature Killed That Military Official, We Swear!”

In case you haven’t seen The Shape Of Water, here’s a rundown: It’s 1962, and as the Cold War is raging, we meet two janitors (Elisa and Zelda) who work at a top secret government facility. An amphibious humanoid creature is brought there for study by Colonel Richard Strickland, a war hero who caught him in the Amazon. Elisa and the creature bond over music, their misfit status, and delicious, delicious eggs. But this is a problem, because the American government and Russian spies are considering killing the creature.

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So to save him, Zelda, Elisa, her neighbor Giles, and scientist / Russian spy Dr. Hoffstetler break him out. This works out, but Strickland starts a campaign of torture and murder to find the creature and get it back. Eventually, though, in an appropriately dramatic rainstorm, the creature slashes Strickland’s throat before he and Elisa flee to live as merman and wife.

Meanwhile, Zelda and Giles are left with confused cops, a missing woman they both knew, and the dead body of a war hero. You know the military and government will likely deny all knowledge of the whole thing, so they’re on their own. What are they going to say? “A gentle cat-eating beast killed the colonel, embraced our friend, exposed the gills on her neck, and swam away with her, just as John F. Kennedy would’ve wanted”?